Hi Everyone,
I recently submitted this to a magazine and it was rejected. I would love any help or suggestions to make it better. Or is it just to depressing.

Thanks,
Terri


THE DOWNWARD SPIRAL

Fiction by: Terri L. Rasmussen



 How many times have I been here before?  Lily asked herself as she sat down on one of

the twin beds in the sparsely decorated hospital room.  The sunlight beamed into the lone

window on the wall, locked of course, so noone could escape, did nothing to brighten the

dull and drab white walls.  The walls had no pictures hanging from it, she noticed with a

solemn face.  None of the other rooms she had been in before this one, had the cheap

paintings you could buy at the local dollar store at the incredibly cheap price of 2 for $10.  

The glass could be used as a weapon against the staff, the other patients, or even oneself.

 This was her third admission into a psychiatric hospital for depression.  Her memory

came back to her now as the sleeping pills she had ingested slowly worked their way out

of her system. However, the darkened pit of the disease had plagued her ever since she

was in her teens.  Twelve, to be exact.  She had been twelve years old when she first

attempted suicide.  She knew the warning signs extremely well, it’s long dark arms

seemed to reach out and grab her when she least expected it.

 The first time, she experienced depression first hand; Lily had been bullied in junior


high school by some wench she would rather not remember.  The young girl had

incessantly accused Lily of backstabbing and talking about her behind her back.  Lily had

never done the things the girl had accused her of.  No matter how hard she had tried to

convince the girl of that, she wouldn’t listen. Instead the girl threw insults at her and

threatened to beat her up on more than one occasssion. Her self-esteem, already low,

plummeted to zero.  Feeling like a big fat zero, Lily decided to end her pitiful existence

called a life.  She had it carefully planned out.  While her mother was to be out on a date,

she would swallow a handful of sleeping pills her mother kept on hand for bouts of

insomnia.

 Her plan would have worked too, if her mother had not returned home earlier than

expected.  And caught her daughter red-handed with a fistful of sleeping pills in one hand

and a glass of water in the other.

 Knocking the pills out of Lily’s grasp, Ellen pulled her only child into her arms and

began to cry, “Why Lily?  Why?”

 Lily cried against her mother’s chest while trying to break free from the embrace.  “It

hurt’s too much Momma.”

 “Oh honey.”  Her mother tried to comfort the tear stained child she loved more than life

itself.  “You’re just experiencing growing pains.  Its teenage hormones.  It won’t always

hurt.  I promise.”

 How did anyone know? How could anyone know?  Lily asked herself.

 That first attempt was reduced to nothing than teenage hormones run amuck and she

didn’t seek help.  Instead, they ignored the cry of desperation.  However, Lily knew deep

down in her dark soul, that it was more than that.  So much more.

 Over the years, Lily learned the signs and symptoms of depression and became a master

at hiding her feelings and her private hurt.  Noone knew when she smiled outwardly, she

was actually crying on the inside.  

 Of course, she experienced months of happiness and joy.  Especially when she hit high

school.  Boys became interested in her and the wench that had tormented her life for so long finally was put away in an institution for wayward kids.  She made new friends and

her life began to flourish like the delicate rose she really was.

 When she hit her twenties, Lily fell in love for the first time in her life.  Nathan entered

her life and replaced the cold darkness she had always carried with her with warm,

beautiful, and loving light.  For the first time in her life she was completely happy.  She

depended on him for her happiness.  Yet, she couldn’t shake the feeling that she was too

happy and the relationship would quickly go down the drain.  And of course it had.  

When she found out about his betrayal.  He had been married and had never told her

about his wife and kids.  

 The moment the truth came out in the light, the darkness descended upon her like the

plague.  The pain of his betrayal was too much for her to bear and once again, she decided

to take her own life.  Noone loved her, she told herself over and over as she swallowed

another handful of sleeping pills.  

 Lying on her bed she waited for death sweep her away from the miserable pain in her

heart and life.  When her eyes began to droop heavily with sleepiness, Lily’s best friend,

Trina cane into the room and noticed what Lily had done to herself.

 “Nathan is not worth all this shit, Lily!”  Trina screamed at her best friend as she pulled

her to her feet and carried her down the hallway out to the car.  She had to get Lily to the

nearest ER.

 Lily dropped her head and mumbled, “I love him so much.  How could he do this to

me?”

 “He’s a bastard.  That’s why!”  Trina said as they drove into the night.

 “I’m just unworthy of love.  I don’t deserve anything good.  Why would anyone love me?  Look at me.  I’m fat and I’m ugly.”  She cried thru a drug-induced pity party.

 “Yes.  You are loveable.  You’re beautiful, Lily.  And if noon can see that, then they are

the ones that are fools.”

 Lily jerked her head up and placed it on the cool window of the car and prayed for God

to please let her die.

 God didn’t listen to her prayers.  He spared her life for some unknown reason to Lily.  

The doctor’s pumped her stomach and she was admitted to the psychiatric unit of the

hospital.  Her very first admission.

 She tried to think back to how many years had passed since that first admission.  Was it

ten or fifteen.  She couldn’t remember.  All that Lily could think of was, here she was

again.  In a different hospital.  Talking to another social worker.  Answering the same old

familiar questions.

 How long had she been depressed?  Had she ever experienced depression before?  Was

she taking any medication for it now?  Were there any other admissions to any other

hospitals?  If so, when and where?  Had she ever attempted to take her own life?  What

had precipitated the downward spiral?  Over and over, she answered the questions until

she felt like a tape recording.

 Why hadn’t the first hospitalization worked?  Why was she going through this again?  

Why her?  Why couldn’t she be a normal woman? Like everyone else.  Why couldn’t she

just be happy?  What would it take for her to be happy?  Lily busied herself with the

endless unanswerable obsessive questions as the nurse on the floor showed her around the

unit.    

 Curling herself into the fetal position on the tiny bed, Lily began to cry again.  Gut

wrenching sobs shook her shoulders and she was powerless to stop the tears or the pain

that had brought out the tears.

 The nurse emptied her bag and confiscated anything that could be used as a weapon.  

Shoestrings, hair dryer, razor, hair spray, mouthwash, and her curling iron were all

packed into a clear box and a label with her name on it was placed on the outside of the

box.  In case she wanted to use anything at some point.  

 Thinking to herself Lily felt as if she were a failure and a disappointment to her family

and friends and herself.  After the things she had done, she felt as if she didn’t deserve

one iota of happiness or forgiveness.  She was useless.

 Once again, a man was at the root of her downward spiral into the pit of darkness, she

had grown accustomed to.  A man she loved deeply enough to marry and let take

advantage of her.  He had not only stolen her heart and almost her life.  But, he had stolen

her money and home.  He had taken everything from her and she had let him.  When the

truth came out about his treacherous deceit and walked out on what she had perceived as

a perfect life together, Lily decided to end all the pain and lies.  She had swallowed

another handful of little blue pills while gulping a full glass of water down her mouth.  

This time she remembered to lock the doors, so noone could save her.

 Ellen had broken down the door and found Lily asleep on her bed and went thru the

ritual of trying to save her friend’s life once again.

 “Why am I so unlovable?”  Lily asked in a drug induced stupor.  “What is so wrong with

me?”

 “You’re not Lily.”  Ellen answered her before calling the paramedics.  Lily was almost

dead and Ellen knew she needed more help than she could give her.

 Once again, Lily’s stomach was pumped and the effects of the pills were minimal.  Lily

now found herself in this dull drab room waiting for what ever was about to come her

way.  Fear and anxiety welled up inside of her and she began to cry even harder.  She

hadn’t thought such a thing was possible.  Wasn’t there a magic pill that could turn her

tears off and take away the constant ache in her heart?

 The next few days dragged by for Lily.  She kept to herself during the group therapy

sessions and the few with the doctor that had been assigned to her case.  She never spoke

to anyone.  She walked around in a daze and never opened her mouth to anyone until the

second week of being a patient of the best psychiatric hospital in the country.

 Lily had been sitting in the cafeteria on a gray and gloomy morning trying to force down

the rubbery eggs the staff had forced on the patients when one of the young girls form her

therapy sessions sat down next to her.  Lily sat there and tried to ignore the younger

woman.

 “My name is Maggie.  You’re Lily, right?”  The younger woman offered as a greeting.

 Still remaining silent, Lily only nodded her reply.

 Maggie took a bite of her eggs.  “These are pretty good.  The other places I’ve been in,

the food is disgusting.”

Lily knew exactly what the girl was talking about.

 “This isn’t my first time in a place like this.  But I’m feeling better and stronger

everyday.”

 Lily wanted the magic pill the girl had been taking.  She wanted to feel better and

stronger.  

 “Yeah, I was a real mess when I came in here.  Catatonic.  I lost my baby a few years

ago and have never gotten over the loss.  I don’t think I ever will either.  But I’ve learned

to cope and to talk my feelings out.  Her death wasn’t my fault.”  She took another bite of

her eggs and swallowed.  “I wanted to die.  I stayed in bed for months and never ate,

drank anything and never showered.  I just laid there and stared at the walls.”

 Lily could definitely identify with Maggie.  That was what she had done.

 “Since I have been here, I’ve learned to open up and talk.  You need to do the same.”

 Refusing to listen to Maggie’s self-help advice, Lily stood and picked up her tray and

left the table.  She couldn’t bare the thought of talking about the horrible memories that

had begun to resurface after all this time.  Those memories validated her feelings of being

unlovable and unworthy.  And she did not need someone telling her she needed to open

up and talk about her feelings.

 “Look Lily.”  Maggie’s tone was apologetic.  “I didn’t mean to offend you, but don’t

you want to kick this monster’s butt?  Don’t you want to get better and never have to

come back to a place like this ever again?”

 Lily looked at Maggie confusedly.  Of course, she wanted that.  More than anything.  

But she didn’t deserve to feel better about herself or her life.  Not after all the pain she

had caused and had been through.  A failure was what she was and would always would

be, she told herself as she got in line for her morning meds.

 Later that day, a nurse forced Lily out of bed and attend a group therapy session with the

rest of the patients.  Coming in late, she took a seat at the back of the room.  Where noone

would notice her.  Hopefully.

 An older red haired woman was speaking to the crowd and Lily kept her head down.

 “Today.”  She began.  “We re going to talk about the downward spiral.”

 “What’s that?”  Someone from the group asked.

 The woman smiled a friendly smile and answered.  “Well, the downward spiral is those

little changes our families and friends see in us when our journey into darkness begins to

grab hold of our soul.”

 Lily’s interest began to peak as she listened closely to the woman speak.

 “We all have them and with our disease we need to remain constantly on guard for the

signs so we can seek help immediately, when we feel the first pull.”  She turned to the

chalkboard behind her and began to write.

DRINKING ALCOHOL

USING DRUGS

OVERSPENDING

ANGER OVER LITTLE THINGS

ELATION

UNCONTROLLABLE CRYING

SEX

PULLING AWAY FROM PEOPLE

LACK OF INTEREST IN THINGS ONCE CARED ABOUT

FEELING UNWORTHY

TALK OF DEATH

 Everyone snickered at the word sex.

 “These are some of the things we go thru or use to make ourselves feel better.”

 Lily looked closely at the list and realized for the first time, the warning signs had

always been there and had stuck out like a sore thumb.  She had just been blind to them.  

 The lecture continued and she felt herself sinking further into despair.  There was no

hope for her.  There was no magic pill or cure to take away the pain and hurt that was

embedded into her soul.  The tears came slipping down her cheeks like a waterfall.  

Unashamed she caught Maggie’s stare from across the room.

 Maggie mouthed to her.  “Open up and talk.”

 Lily shook her head.  She couldn’t.   Everyone would see the hidden shame she kept

locked up tighter than Fort Knox.  

 Maggie came over and sat next to her.  Offering her a tissue, she replied, “You can do

this.  I’ll help you.”

 Lily looked at Maggie with confusion in her eyes.  Why?  Didn’t she know Lily was

beyond help?  She wanted to ask, but the lump that had formed in her throat kept the

words from forming.

 “You’re strong Lily.  You can do this.”  Maggie encouraged her like noone else ever

had.

 Swallowing the lump in her throat, Lily found the courage to stand on her shaky feet and

asked if she could speak.

 “Of course.”  The psychologist answered her.

 Lily took a deep breath before beginning.  “My name is Lily and I’m depressed.  I have

been for as long as I can remember.”

 Lily told her story about her history of depression and suicide attempts.  “It wasn’t until

seeing the list.”  She pointed to the chalkboard.  “I have experienced every single one of

those things.  I feel so unworthy of love.  Like I don’t deserve love, joy, or happiness.’

 “Why?” One of the patients asked her.

 It was now or never, Lily told herself.  If she wanted to get better and she did, she had to

bear her heart and soul to the roomful of strangers.  “My father was a cruel, vile, and

vicious man.  He came into my bedroom at night and forced me to have sex with him.”  

Tears tolled down her cheeks.  “Afterward, he blamed me and said I was a filthy dirt

tramp who would never amount to anything and didn’t deserve to be happy.  After awhile

I began to believe him.  I couldn’t tell anyone out of fear that they would not believe me.

Nor would they love me.  When he finally died I thought I would be free from the pain he

had caused me.  I was wrong.” Her shoulders jerked as she cried harder.

 Finally, after many years of the downward spiral, tears, and low self-esteem, lily was

ready to begin the healing process.  She knew it would take along time to unfurl the hurt

that had wrapped itself so tightly around her heart.  But she also knew she could do it.  

She had to.

 There was a sense of determination deep in her soul that told Lily she could battle the

darkness of depression and win.  “I’m ready to work through everything and begin a new

life.  A life without shame and self-loathing.  I am ready to stop the downward spiral.”
The END


I hope I posted this store right for critiquing.