Chapter One
I thought you did a wonderful job with catching attention in your first paragraph. After that intro, I was intrigued to see what would be going on. There is nothing like a good beginning. Very well done.

I love the detail you put in to the whole dream sequence and throughout. The way you write it makes the experience of reading it as lucid as the dream would be to the sleeper - I enjoyed that. I particularly like the concept of scents you introduced.

Chapter Two
Good development of characters, and, again, great descrïptives. An excellent way to end a chapter also. It makes for a real page-turner.

Chapter Three
You seem to have a good grip on how character dialogue can move the story along for readers. I like how you keep the conversation light and "real".

So far, I really have no criticisms. You write very well so there is nothing to pick at so far as I can see. I am just trying to give you as much feedback as I can because I know that - for myself - I am a feedback whore and any little comment helps, so I hope this is helpful for you. I have heard so many people talk about finding the right metaphor for a story to build on, and it seems you have found yourself a really good base.

I was going to go chapter by chapter, but there is nothing much more I can really add other to what I have. You are doing a great job so far and I look forward to reading more.  


~And a tag on for Broken Mirrors.~
Just a quick note on this one - more of the same comments. Well constructed, great disclosure and excellent descrïptives.    

--Last edited by Miss Behaving on 2007-05-26 14:41:47 --

I really enjoyed this story. It ha me fascinated from the beginning to the end. Can't wait to read more of your work.

Thank you both for your critiques and compliments.  I appreciate it.  I'll be doing some reading this week and getting to all those stories that I haven't had time to read during finals.