I found this difficult to follow. There was no proper use of paragraphs so it makes everything into a muddle.Errors in use of plural possesive.  

--Last edited by dsullivan on 2007-04-29 20:16:42 --

It looks like the beginning of a great story.  Codymuse makes a valid point about the paragraphs, but unless I'm mistaken, I think the format was lost in reposting.  I would suggest however, that you work a little on your punctuation (improper punctuation can distract readers).  I'd like to see more on this story.

yes i believe was the doc is writing in word and converting to rtf seems to have been the problem

English class was never a real friend to me i'm working hard on re-learning this information and hopefully the improvement will show in the work

thanx

I was weak in grammar, punctuation, etc (I'm still not a fireball!), but I improved a lot just by reading, reading, reading.  I guess you'd call that learning by osmosis.

I am attempting to get my degree and as such i must take an english which should help me greatly. I hope to begin that class soon. I have picked up several english books and studing that way also. what would be the best way to check and make sure the format is correct when i repost this section?

After changing the doc to rtf, check it to assure that it hasn't lost its format.  Then, if the doc. is sent in an attachment it will retain the format in which it is sent.  Sending in the body of the email will result in loss of format, though.

Mr. Weikle, your short prose “Untitled” reminds me of the U.S. Colombia Space Shuttle tragedy of February, 2003 when seven astronauts were lost upon re-entry to her home atmosphere.  It is my belief that all things created ultimately bear a golden thread.  For your piece, I find that the situation / plot will produce your golden fleece in that you have used a point of view which could be interpreted as that of an alien or alien group which, looking down on earth, recorded the events that took place for the crew of the Colombia on that fateful day.  Could your crew be observers of that event?  Perhaps it could be.  You have the seed of a thought here worth developing, I believe.  Keep writing it out until it makes sense, is my best advice.  Until the golden thread shows up to you.

no the events have nothing to do with colombia tho now that its been mentioned it does seem to have some likness. my hero is actually the primitive riding the two wheeled conveyence and is giving super powers by a freak set of circumstances. I wrote this as a point of view of the aliens right up until the crash. unfortunatly as I have written more than has been posted the aliens do not survive the crash. actually my hero is not even written about until the 5th page or so. Please remember that anything I post is basically a first draft. After I have some extra time to break my story into proper paragraphs I will post the next several sections for comments.

thanx
Ross Weikle

ps call me Ross my dad was Mr. Weikle

I just read "Untitled" as posted on ROSS Weikle's Page on The Forum.  The story seems to be progressing well.  Still an occasional typo , but as Ross stated this is a first draft.  Good storyline.

Sully

Thank you Mr. Sullivan for allowing me space on you fourm.
This is a work in progress and any pointers would be greatly appreciated. negitive positive all be be view in the light of trying to help a writer with no clue. if thinks arn't explaned well enuff or more dialog is needed please indicate so. As I gain more understanding i will make adjustments to the story. hopefully highlighting the changes as I make them.

Thanks again Mr. Sullivan
and thanks in advance to anyone who commnets and helps me improve.
Ross Weikle
The Blue Archer